Problem 1, Stay at home Mom's lying to school aged children or omitting and flat out avoiding any mention of playgroups or activities that the younger siblings might participate in. I see this alot and I hear that they are doing this to spare delicate feelings. I have a good sized gap inbetween my children, one just started school shortly after the other was born. In the beginning she did protest and think it wasn't fair that I was taking the little guy to an open gym or playdate at a friends house but each time she lodged a protest I would point out that when she was little I would do these things with her, and now she is a big girl that gets to ride the school bus and go to school and the little guy does not. I even went so far as to sit down with her and go through her scrapbook and show her some of the very fun things we did when we were in mommy group. She accepted that and eagerly listens to her brothers tales.
I don't think this would end nearly as well if one day she looked through her brothers scrapbook and saw pictures of him playing at a park with friends. The hurt would defintly be there and the little seeds of doubt,of what else does Mom lie about,would start to sprout.
Problem 2, Bad Things Happen, Recently my Mother suffered a major anneuryism and was hospitalized. I had many people asking me what I was going to do with the kids. Of course they are going to go see their Grandmother in the hospital was the thought running through my head. How will I explain it to them I was asked? Answer: I geared it towards their level, for my newly turned 5year old I told him Grandma had a big owie in her head and we needed to go help her feel better just like she does when we feel yucky. For my 9 year old I explained in a little more detail what had exactly happened to Grandma and she cried but she understood the severity of my Mothers illness. How was I to explain my uncontrolled crying or snappish or spacy behavior if my children didn't understand that I was worried about my Mom? By brushing them aside I would make them feel unimportant. The children are part of the family but all too often I hear of people pushing them aside to deal with a crisis. Those long hours in the ICU waiting room were lightened by their laughter, and taking them for a walk gave us something to do other than dwell on the outcomes. Yes I did have my sister of my heart take them out to eat and to find things to do but lets be honest there is only so much of a waiting room that any one person can handle, children included. But by being there and getting to come visit and hug Grandma let them feel like they were a part of the process.
Problem 3, Death Happens. Sunday night we came home from visiting my Mom in the hospital to discover a very sick little guinea pig. We knew right away that she would not last. She is my daughters guinea pig, she lives in her room, my daughter cleans their cages and feeds them every day. When I realized that sweet little Cadbury would not last much longer I looked my daughter in the eyes and I told her what was going to happen. She cried, I wouldn't expect her not to. I did too. We had raised Cadbury since she was a fuzzy little baby. I then asked her if she wanted to hold and comfort Cadbury. She did, she wrapped a purple towel around herself (habit in case of accidents) and sat on the couch with big fat tears rolling down her cheeks as her guinea pig died in her arms. I asked her if she wanted a last photo of her and Cadbury and she did. I captured that last sweet moment between them and I felt that it was a comfort to her as well as her little piggy. She felt that her little piggy waited for her to get home so she could say goodbye and since she passed on about 5 min after we got home I am inclined to believe her. Shortly after this happened I did a RIP post on FB and someone asked how it happened and I joyfully explained that Cadbury died comfortably in my daughters arms. I got several emails asking me how I could traumatize my daughter in that fashion. Blasting me for allowing her to go through such pain. I as a mother would spare my children any pain that I could but without pain we cannot know joy. I would rather her learn of death and loss from a guinea pig than learn it from the loss of a friend, family member or me.
I then remembered that I have talked about death with several friends. One had a beloved Uncle go on vacation (never to return) one has Grandpa always too busy for family functions. Eventually these children will learn the truth and it will be that much harder and the betrayal all the more painful.
 |
| Cadbury and Annies final moments together. |
