Superbowl means a lot to me these days and honestly I don't care who wins or loses its just the day Superbowl Sunday that brings back bittersweet memories of the day I got to do my own victory dance and bring Alex home.
If I start at the beginning June of 2005 Dan and I go through the Las Vegas Temple and we are sealed to our little Annie for time and all eternity. What a joy and blessing that day was for our little family. The very next day we found out we were pregnant with a miracle. We had given up on our fertility treatments in the months prior.
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| Our sealing day at the Las Vegas Temple. |
In the coming months our little miracle would test us in many ways. I was sick for 6 of my 9 months of pregnancy and at about 4 months into I started with preterm labor. We fought and fought for this baby and did whatever it took.
Friday, January 20, 2006
The Dr was concerned that I was going to throw a blood clot and lose the baby. My statistics had gone to 1 in 100. He asked if he could do an amniocentesis to check the surfactin (?sp?) levels so he could deliver Alex. Everyday I kept him inside I was running the risk of losing him and possibly me. We did the amino and sure enough I did get the big contraction, problem is, they didn't stop. They monitored me for an hour or so and told me to stay quiet and sent me home.
I rested the rest of the day and then I had a date with Annie, a final hurrah before we changed her from only princess to big sister. We were going to Disney on Ice. I think it was Finding Nemo but I honestly don't remember since I was contracting pretty hard. During the show my cell rings. Its the Dr's office. Alex's lungs are very under developed and we need to give him more time. I asked the Dr what to do since I was contracting pretty regularly. He said go to the hospital if its regular but try to wait it out.
I went home that night praying that my little man would stay put and develop his lungs.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I spent the day resting and then we went to Bridget's house for game night. I was off my feet and enjoying the laughter and silliness of our friends. I was still contracting pretty regular but I was bound and determined to keep the baby inside.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
I had contracted all night long and my husband had asked me on a regular basis, you ready to go now? "No" I would snap and keep on with my breathing. Morning rolls around and my husband insists that this can't go on and maybe they can stop it like they have been in previous months. We pack up Annie and go to the hospital. The hospital staff takes a look at me and says, "You are having this baby today" I cry beg and plead,"the Dr said he needs to stay, his lungs are not ready, please give him another 24hrs." The answer is no and I am rushed off to deliver via C-Section a baby that I know isn't ready to meet the world. In the OR I was crying and waiting, fearing that this precious baby would be born dead, the Dr said his lungs were far from ready. When they did the lift the baby over the drape he was making a noise I thought was a squeak. All I could ask is "Is he alive? Is he breathing? Is he OK? I kept repeating the questions as I listened to them talk over the baby. I heard the NICU call, and a kind nurse came over and explained that the noises I was hearing were called peeping and my baby was struggling to breathe. She brought him over to meet me and then I was knocked out to put me back together.
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| I am allowed to briefly meet Alex, I couldn't even kiss him she had to take him back so fast |
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| Daddy couldn't hold him but they snapped a photo of him. |
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| Dan snapped this while they were putting me back together. |
I recovered for a bit just waiting for news on the baby. My friends Steph and Bridget came to congratulate me and were just in time to see them intubate Alex. While they were there the Dr came in to tell me that Alex was still failing and that they were sending him to a different level of NICU in a hospital across town. I know a cry came out of me, the only way I can describe this cry is that it came from the depths, it was ripped from my very soul. I begged them to send me with the baby but they refused. I tell Dan to find our Bishop and anyone else to come give the baby a blessing.
They came in to tell me he was ready for transport, I hadn't seen him since he was born so they were going to let me see him briefly before they took him away. They brought him in on an adult sized stretcher, there were so many machines and he was in this clear plastic box. I couldn't hold him or touch him, they said we had 5 min before they had to leave. I used those precious few minutes to have the Bishop and a few others give him a blessing.
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| This is my view of my baby before they ran away with him. |
I told my husband to follow the baby, to tell me whats going on. I was there in the hospital waiting for news. He came back later that night and told me its bad, he was on a Vent at 100% oxygen and was declining. He brought me a photo that didn't offer much comfort but it was all I had.
The Dr came in and explained to us that Alex was refusing to use his lungs something called pulmonary hypertension. He also explained to us that Alex was failing and asked us to sign organ donation papers. My first thoughts were selfish, "that's my baby, if I sign you won't continue to save him!" but I decided that if Alex could save lives then we would do the honorable thing. I signed.
Monday, January 23, 2006
I didn't sleep well, I also called his nurse a lot asking for updates. They were the same. He stopped declining but was still on 100% oxygen. Annie had never seen her baby brother and when she came to visit me she didn't understand much but that the baby was sick. I was not a pleasant person to be around and for some reason the nurses didn't tag my door with a sticker or sign that said "Her baby isn't here" because at one point during the day this teenager came bopping into my room with her pamphlets and in her bubble gum voice told me that she was going to be photographing my new baby and here are the price sheets for the photos. I know I screamed at her some unkind things and to get out. I threw my food tray at her as well. I am not proud of this moment but it does show where my mindset was. They removed all the tubes from me this day as well and told me to walk, I didn't want to walk, I wanted to cry. This is when they started babysitting me afraid I would go suicidal. My day was broken by visits from Dan, but I wanted him to stay with Alex and protect him and fight for him since I couldn't be there. No improvements this day, no declines either.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I got up and shuffled around the nurses station proving that I could walk and begging them to let me out so I could get to Alex. It was the singular thing on my mind. I hated not being there for him, I was trapped in the hospital. I had to start pumping today as well. I had to beg multiple times for a pump since Vegas is NOT nursing friendly. Then of course with the pump comes the lactation lady who is ready to teach me how to feed my baby. I said unkind things to her as well. They did put a do not enter sign up on my door then. I sat and pumped and cried. I walked more to encourage them to let me leave. They were worried about my mindset and refused to let me leave. Another long lonely day of prying info out of my husband and Alex's nurse. His nurse finally told me, he is the sickest baby in the NICU and do you want me on the phone with you or monitoring him. I let her go take care of him. At some point today Dan called me and said if Alex doesn't show some sort of progress they will be airlifting Alex to Childrens in LA. I know I cried, I also know I prayed and begged God for my sons life, I offered my own, I pleaded with him to not punish my son because my body couldn't hold on to him.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I am still pushing to be released, I have done everything they have asked of me whether it was progress reports from the bathroom or walking around the nurses desk. I am still a mess and I am still crying but I am also getting beligerant. I want to go to my baby. I keep telling them that and they just don't get it. Finally I got pushy enough to tell them that I would be signing myself out and they needed to bring someone up to remove my staples I was going to my baby. Metal and I are not on friendly terms and the staples were starting to really cause problems. They tried to talk me into staying another night, I refused. I had a singular mindset. I needed to get to my baby. I know my mother flew in from WI at some point but I don't remember when she got there. They did finally release me and I told Dan to drive straight to Sunrise so I could get to Alex. There they have the NICU buried deep in the hospital so no one steals those sick babies. Dan tried to make me wait at the door while he hunted up a wheelchair to get me to the NICU but I wasn't having any of that. I needed to see my baby. When I was suitably scrubbed up and in the NICU I found him. He was bigger than most of the 2 lb babies in there he was 6lbs 7oz when he was born. How could this big baby be so sick? He was medically sedated and I couldn't even stroke his leg or foot. It would cause him to fight and they wanted him relaxed. My arms ached to hold him but instead I could only stare. At some point during that process the kind nurse that monitored him brought a chair for me. I didn't want to leave his side but Dan and my Mom insisted I go home and sleep.
January 26 - 30,2006
These days blurred for me, I would pump and stay at the hospital. Alex started to improve and need less and less oxygen. We still couldn't hold him but I would just stand there or sit if the nurse brought me a chair. At one point I had pushed myself so hard hiking around the hospital that the nurse pointed out there was blood on the front of me and running down my leg. I had popped a few stitches and needed to be repacked. I hadn't noticed, my focus was on my baby boy.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Today they removed the vent tube!! He has graduated to an oxygen bubble. They also stopped sedating him so I got to see his little eyes. I finally got to touch him too. Today is a good day. As the evening wore on the nurse said his stats were doing so well in the hood that she was going to let me hold him. I thought I was going to burst with joy. Of course there were rules I couldn't just scoop him up and cuddle him. I had to sit down and have an oxygen hose held close to his face and I also had to understand if his stats start dropping that she would scoop him up and take care of him. I agreed, although really I would have agreed to dance a jig or run a mile, whatever she asked so I could hold him. The nurse bundled him and all his wires up and warned me to be extra careful of his pic lines because they go directly to his heart. She then placed him in my arms and all was right with the world. I held my baby with tears running down my face just marveling at the miracle of him and knowing that he would be OK. Dan and my Mom got to hold him for the first time as well.
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| Holding Alex for the first time. |
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| Free from the vent tubes and under an oxygen bubble. |
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| Holding him |
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| Daddy holds his little man for the first time. |
During the evening while we were holding Alex we heard an announcement come across the speakers of the hospital that there was a Code Red. Many of the nurses joked with each other that they didn't hear the words drill after the code red. Then they started joking around that they didn't smell smoke and would poke their heads out the back door of the NICU. The nurses did not evacuate us even when the tell tale smell of smoke started to drift into the NICU. The nurses kept poking their heads out the door looking for whats going on. My mom was not afraid to tell them to stop that and to maybe block the door with some wet receiving blankets because her grandson with fragile lungs is near that door and under an oxygen bubble. Our nurse was ready to bolt and didn't understand why the nurses didn't do anything. Eventually the fire was put out and it came to light that some oily rags were left in an elevator shaft. Needless to say we were not impressed with the hospitals fire preparedness. Our nurse who is a rent a nurse from Canada was appalled too.
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Today they moved Alex down from Level 1 NICU to Level 2 NICU. What an exciting time. I knew we were that much closer to bringing him home. We were able to dress him in a onesie and cuddle him a whole lot more. They still wouldn't let Annie near him and there were no windows for her to see him through. Moving to the Level 2 also removed a few of the many lines that tethered him to his bed. I think at this point I started asking the Dr when I could bring him home, I wanted our family together and I was coming out of the numb shell of fight for your baby and realizing that this time spent in the hospital was not fair to our almost 5year old. I just wanted us to be home and together. Alex's Uncle David drove over from Utah and met his nephew for the first time.
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| Alex meets his Uncle David for the first time |
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| Moving up to Level 2!! |
Sunday, February 5, 2006 Super Bowl Sunday
It was Sunday so Mom took Annie and herself to church. I went with Dan to the hospital. We were there when the Dr came and asked us if we were going to go home and watch the game. I told him I would watch it wherever Alex was. He then smiled at Alex and asked him if he lets him go Home that he has to make sure the Pittsburgh Steelers win the game. He then said he was going to start the paperwork but that he was sending him home. I sent Dan home right away for the carseat and the rest of the family. Mom said when she pulled into the drive after church she saw the suburban and knew that something had happened. Dan came winging back for Alex and I as we got him ready to leave. I was surprised that they let us carry him out of the NICU but they did.
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| Annie meets her baby brother for the first time. |
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| Waiting for Daddy to bring the car. |
Later that evening Annie shared her bedtime story with Alex, it still is one of my favorite photos of them.
I knew it was Superbowl Sunday, I didn't care who won, who lost. I had won. I had brought my baby home. Now every Superbowl Sunday I remember the battle I fought and won and celebrate my victory by hugging my little man.
